Candy Central

TREAT-ing the problem

Some folks take a yoga or meditation class. Some take a trip to their local pharmacist and pick up a little orange bottle full of the latest craze on the market. While others pay big bucks to sit on a couch and purge their melancholies to a little man in a tweed jacket and spectacles, firmly gripping a yellow pad and pricey ink pen. And yes, there are those who feel the need to participate in all of the above.

Personally, I think there is much more effective – not to mention less expensive – means by which we can solve this “down-in-the-dumps” problem that many people suffer from. It is so simple, so obvious, that a kindergartener could figure it out! So in the spirit of simplicity and innocence, let’s take a quick trip down memory lane…

You are six years and have finally mustered up enough courage to mount your brand new bicycle (bye-bye training wheels!). You feel safe because your Pop is holding on to the back of your seat as you approach that first hill by your house. As you begin to accelerate, you turn your head to make sure Pop is still there but all you see is a man the size of an action figure far off in the distance clapping and cheering. That traitor! Turning back, disoriented by betrayal, you lose your stability and go tumbling off your bike. After about ten seconds of being paralyzed by fear (yes, for a six year old this feels like a near-death experience), you begin to cry out in agony. Mom comes running outside, stopping first to briefly scold your Pop, then over to her poor baby to clean and bandage you up. But that isn’t enough to replace the pain and sorrow and deep, deep distress in which that you now find yourself. Now Mom, being mystical and brilliant as she is, knows EXACTLY what you need. She runs inside and brings back the emergency Hershey bar that she had been saving for a time just like this. And voila! The milk-chocolate goodness wipes away all the tears and fears of that incident.

So what has happened to us since then? What has tainted us in our adult years so completely,that we look to Freudian, pharmaceutical and all sorts of other trendy, new-age solutions as a cure toour woes? Well I’m not here to answer such deep and though provoking questions. I am just here to remind you of what works:

On those days when the world feels solemn and humorless, I would recommend a couple bites off a Snickers bar. If this treatment does not produce any positive effects within half an hour, please help yourself to some Chuckles Jellies – one of the delicious flavors is bound to bring a smile to your face. This next boo-hoo remedy speaks for itself – Almond Joy. If you are feeling especially nutty and particularly joy-less, I would suggest an Almond Joy King Size, maybe even two.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want someone to hold you and tell you “It’s all going to be alright”? Yet no person can be found and you feel all alone in this big, bad world… Don’t worry; just grab a bag of Hershey Kisses or Hershey Kisses Hugs – a delicious combo of Hershey’s milk chocolate hugged to perfection with sweet white cream.Can you feel the love? Or can you at least taste it?

Sometimes, life is moving along decently, with no worries for the most part… but that gaping hole in your pocket is burning a hole in the back of your head. Of course as a mere six year old, this wasn’t your main concern, or really a concern at all. But as a responsible, hardworking adult, you just can’t seem to make ends meet. Well that’s just not fair! You deserve to be happy and prosperous! Indulge yourself with a sticky, crunchy, wonderful Payday. Maybe peanuts are not your thing, or perhaps your needs exceed just one Payday. Then may I recommend taking the whole 100 Grand – A caramel and rice crispy candy bar covered with Nestle chocolate.

As most therapists would say, honesty is the first step to getting well. So let’s really get honest with ourselves people: Some days, you don’t want to find a way to cheer up. That self-pity feels so safe, and you’re getting used to the smell of sitting in your own….doo-doo (common you guys, this is rated PG!). You just want someone to commiserate with and to compare your stories of deep agony. On these days, I prescribe a giant box of Kleenex and ginormous Cry Baby Tub of Sour Bubblegum – all 240 pieces of it. Let the flooding begin!

There are so many other TREAT-ments available to remedy the exact nature of your woes. This is great news! There is always hope – so wipe away those tears, pull the covers off of your head, and tear open a cheery colored package of candy. Take two, then call me in the morning.

One Comment

zander  on April 12th, 2012

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